MY HOUSE, MY HOME

I returned from Costa Rica over a week ago. I came home on Thursday and had my Chemo on Friday. It was not so bad. I have a few days or more of exhaustion and some dizzyness and then I am okay, except for the Chemo fog that decends on me. I am really unable to think very clearly. That is why it has taken me so long to write this blog. It is also the reason I have not been able to deal with some of the pressing issues that I need to attend to. But, I will survive and I have time to get to them. I have decided that I shall live for another ten years, not a day longer. From my mouth to Gods ear!!! That is if you believe that he is even listening.

So, my house is coming along beautifully. I can now see that it is really a house! A big one at that!!!! Why I need such a big house is anyone’s guess. I suppose the only thing to do is to fill the house up with all my friends and family.

While I was in Costa Rica this time I had to make so many decisions regarding the layout of the house, the doors, the furniture, the tiles, and all the things that make a house a home. It was exhausting. It would have been so much more enjoyable to make these decisions if Lewis was by my side. I had fifty years with Lewis and we always made decisions together. I do feel as if he is with me at such times, but it is not the same. I want so much to see his beaming smile that tells me I made the right decision. I want to feel his arms around me to let me know that he loves me and cannot wait to enjoy our new home. But, this is not to be had. So I have to continue alone and I acknowledge that he will never leave me, he will be with me forever in my memories and in spirit.

The house will be done by the end of October. I plan to go back mid September. After my next two treatments of Chemo and a Pet Scan, a brain MRI and all sorts of doctor appointments. Then I will know if the Chemo is continuing to work. Either way, I am going to Costa Rica to finish my house. It keeps me going, it gives me something to think about other than my health.

I am going to the Berkshires. I am going to one of my dearest friend’s 70th birthday celebration. How can I not go? It will be fun!!! I am once again pushing myself to go. I am as I said before exhusted. It really is only the traveling that gets to me, but I know that once I get there I will be with great people in a beautiful location and I will enjoy myself immensly!!

My doctor said I will be on Chemo until it stops working. The average person stays on it only for a year. There is at the moment no real next medication to take after Chemo. She wants me to continue to have it every three weeks. She appears to be a doctor that only sees numbers and does not see the individual, the jury is not out yet to be conclusive. But if all the cancer is out of my body after this next round of Chemo, (three doses over nine weeks), then I will demand that it be given to me every four weeks. This is when I hear from the Jury regarding my new doctor. I know that there is no studies done with this medication to see if four weeks vs three weeks diminishes its viability, so I will submit myself to be the study. I believe, without any real reason to do so, that the additional week should work and may increase the length of time that I can be on this Chemo regime. To me it is worth giving it a try. If it does work after extending the duration between receiving the medication and there is no new cancer, I may move it to five weeks. Let’s see.

I want to live life. I want to live a good and fulfilling life. Like I have always said, it is not the issue of merely surviving, life is to be lived!!! I will build my house and make it a home. I will travel and see the world. I will laugh, cry and enjoy every moment of every day and I will not give up!!! Do the same!! Fight for what you believe in and do not allow a doctor or anyone or anything take from you the enjoyment that life has to offer!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!