FEAR FACTOR

I was never afraid of having cancer. Yes, I was afraid that my life could be cut short, especially when I had two young children and a husband that I adored. But I was never afraid of the decease itself. I always just thought that I would be put through a lot of pain and that I would survive. So, I have, since my first cancer in 2002 and a major operation, then my second cancer in my other breast in 2017 and I felt the same since 2020 when I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. And I survived and I was never afraid. Not happy, but I knew I could take care of myself, even living alone without Lewis. But now, things have changed!!! I had a seizure last Saturday and was in the hospital for close to three days. I had lunch with a friend and went to do errands. I was leaving Wild Foods on 123rd street and Biscayne Blvd. My left hand started to shake. It would not stop shaking, and I could not get my hand on the steering wheel. I was now on Biscayne blvd and realized I must get off the road. My right hand was now shaking. I was able to turn off of the main road and get onto a small back road. I knew I had to get somewhere to park. I turned into the Wendys parking lot and stopped in front of the takeout window and the entrance to the restaurant. By this time I kept telling myself, “you cannot pass out, You can not pass out”, because I knew I had to put the car into park. I do not know how I did it, but somehow, I managed to put the car into park and even put my hazard lights on. By now my leg was shaking as well and I was out of control. A woman walks up to my window and says she called for an ambulance, and they are on the way. She said she will stay with me until the paramedics arrive. I then remember that someone was in my passenger seat telling the fellow who was now at my driver side door that I was stiff as a board and he administered a shot into my arm. I then passed out.
I was taken to Aventura Hospital. If you can help it, never be take there!!! It was one of the worst hospitals I have ever been at. The nurses were fine, they did their job and the room was a single bedroom and was ample, but the medical treatment there is not up to par. All I did was sleep while I was there. I needed to get an MRI for the brain and not until I said I was leaving “against doctors’ orders”, did I get the MRI. I left once the procedure was done and read. And the one test I should have gotten immediately was never even ordered, an EEG. Nor did they send the reports to the doctor that I authorized to get it. Yes of course, I could have come back to get a disk, but no, I did not ever want to go back to that facility.
I now cannot drive for six months in the state of Florida due to the seizure. This is going to make my life very difficult. However, I am afraid to drive at the moment anyway. I felt great when I had this seizure and there was no forewarning of its imminent arrival. But what I am most afraid of now is not knowing if another seizure is going to occur. Not knowing if when I fall, I will not hurt myself in the process. Will someone be around to help me? The foremost question in my mind now, “Is a seizure coming on?”. And to add insult to injury, the anti-seizure medicine has as a side effect of dizziness. I do not know if I am dizzy from the medicine or from a forthcoming seizure. It is very disconcerting not knowing what to expect and to have no control over one’s own body. My brain was working, but my mind had no control over my body. The memory is so vivid.
I left six days after checking out of the hospital for Costa Rica. I felt that I needed to see how the building of my house was going and I had a whole bunch of items for the house that needed to be delivered here as well.

Also, I have to get back to Miami to get my Chemo next week. So, I did not have much time to play with. I initially did not feel good when I got here, but I still believe it was worth coming.
My brain MRI showed that my brain has no more tumors and the tumors that I had are all resolving from the treatment I received. My recent Petscan showed that all the existing tumors in my body are diminishing and no new tumors are visible. So, I no longer will be getting Chemo every three weeks. This time it will be three weeks and four days. Eventually the time between getting chemo will be every four weeks and not “The” protocol of every three weeks. It is my choice and I believe that it will allow me to be on this chemo formular for a longer period of time, because there will be less chemo (toxins) in my body overtime. Toxicity itself can cause a person to have to get off chemo. And right now there is no other new treatments available to me, if I had to stop the chemo I am on. If my exams show cancer regrowth, I can always go back to every three weeks. These are choices we all have; it is not up to the doctor. They can express their disapproval, but it is up to the patient to make the decisions of what will be done to their bodies. Also I question if it is the chemo that is causing the seizures. I asked, and the doctors do not know.
Yes, I am fearful, but this too shall pass. The memory will fade over time. I will continue to take the anti-seizure medicine and learn what to expect. I will try to get more sleep than I ever ever had before. I will hydrate and try not to stress out. And life will continue. It may be a bit different, but I shall survive this. I will come to Costa Rica to my new home, and I will try to live a stress-free life. I will paint, do art, swim, putter in my garden, meet new friends and love the friends and family that I already have. I will laugh, cry and cherish every day that I have the ability to open my eyes and enjoy the day!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!