SO WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG

I just realized that I have not blogged for quite a while now and I cannot say that it is due to any reason other than the fact that I did not think what I have been doing would be of any interest to anyone. Yes, I have been traveling: but I went back to Costa Rica. Where I do mundane things, I go to the beach, I take long walks, I swim in the ocean, I go to tidal pools, I swim in swimming pools, I am learning to play mahjong, yes, you heard me right, mahjong, I read, I watch birds take flight, butterflies mate and I sit and watch the grass grow. Exciting right!!! The most exciting experience that I had while in Costa Rica this time occurred during an afternoon that I spent in a neighbor’s pool and watched between 30 to 40 monkeys swing from tree to tree for over an hour. I loved it; I am not complaining, it really was terrific to watch!! I find that in Costa Rica I can breath. I do not know if you understand the significance of that statement. What I mean when I say I can breath is that I can find my center. I am calm. I do not feel like I have to do something or accomplish anything. It means that I am happy and content by just existing. What a gift that is!!!

I am moving forward on the building of a home there in Costa Rica, but it is going very slow. I filled the lot, which is required in order to build anything in Costa Rica in the area that I am in. I am building in a rain forest and the land is swampy. So in order to build one must fill the lot. I have also started to work on the architectural drawings, which must be approved by me before we can move forward. Once the building really begins I may long for the days that I was calm and centered!!!

Well today I woke up and said to myself when I was still partially in a dream sequence, that I must ask Lewis about something I was dreaming about. Once I was fully awake and realized that Lewis was no where to be found on this planet or any other planet for that matter, I was devastated!! I cannot remember when I felt so alone. It was our routine in the morning to sit and talk before getting out of bed to start the day. We would spend hours talking, making plans and just being close to one another. I would wake up every morning and jump out of bed once my eyes popped open. Lewis use to say that I was his energizing bunny. While his MO was to wake up, drift off back to sleep for a bit, then wake up very gradually to meet the day. It could take him hours to get out of bed. So I would get up and make us coffee. I would serve the coffee in bed and we would talk, then I would bring another cup and we would spend our mornings like this. I did not realize how much I missed this commonplace activity, until this morning. It is the little things that cause you the most pain when you lose someone you love!!! It is the insignificant things that made your relationship yours, that hurts the most when you realize that you will never share the experience with that person again. I have been sick for years now. And every day I wonder what will be my next crises. What new issue will I have to contend with.

I have been sick for years now. And every day I wonder what will be my next crises. What new issue will I have to contend with. But it is nothing compared to the daily feeling of sadness caused by the loss of my husband. There is not one day that goes by that I do not shed a tear for the loss of Lewis. Everyone thinks that I am doing great, that I am moving forward, that I am living my life. And I am, but that does not mean that I do not feel the loss, or that I am unconcerned about my health. It just means that all these feelings, the sadness, the health concerns and living ones life can all coexist!!! Why am I writing about this now, well because every now and then I get slapped in the face with my reality! And I know that some people get slapped and never move on. Some people grieve and lose sight of their own lives, some live from doctors office to doctors office and they never consider the possibility that they can choose to do something different with their lives. I want people to know that they can chose to live, that their loved ones would want them to. Their illness can be an element of their life without letting it take over every aspect of your life.

I do not take life as a given, I know that any day can be my last! So why not live your life to the fullest while you can? Why not find happiness wherever you can find it? Life is a gift, see it that way!! Make new friends, get closer to old friends, tell those who you love that you do indeed love them. Be loving, kind and compassionate to those that reciprocate. But most of all be kind to yourself, do things that bring you happiness!!! Find that which brings you complete utter joy wherever it leads you!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!