SO MUCH TO SAY

Wow, I really do have so much to tell given that such a short period of time has passed since my last blog. I went to Italy with my son, it was my deceased husband’s first year anniversary of his death, I had radiation to remove the cancer from my liver, and I am (hopefully) cancer free. This all seems just so remarkable to me to have happened.

The trip with my son was wonderful! My son put together a trip that was interesting, beautiful and quite tasty!!! He created an itinerary that followed the Slow Food Movement. This is a group that was started in Italy to recognize restaurants that use local ingredients celebrating the local culinary traditions. We also went to a vineyard where they produce balsamic vinegar, we went to where they produce olive oil, rode a boat out to see the oyster beds and of course to a winery. So much delicious food and wine to be had. And we ate our way through Italy. And of course we went to various churches, every city’s Duomo, saw numerous sits containing ancient mosaic art and we walked and walked and walked.

The reason we went to Italy was to commemorate Lewis’ one year anniversary of his death. I went about six days after my three radiation treatments on my iliac bone. So needless to say I was exhausted even before I arrived in Milan. The day of the anniversary was a very hard day for me, both mentally and physically. So much so, I lost my voice. Truly, I was not sick until a few days later, but my voice was merely a squeak on that particular day. Perhaps, Lewis did not want me to talk about him on that day, just remember him. During the trip I kept asking myself “why is Lewis not with me?” Or I would ask Lewis over and over again “where are you?”. It sounds strange even to me, but I missed him so and I knew he would want to be there with us. I still do not feel like he is gone. I do not think that I ever will.

Yesterday I had radiation to remove the cancer from my liver. I did not get the ablation, but instead a form of radiation using an MRI machine. It is called MRidian Linac Radiation. It is an MRI machine that radiates the tumor as it is running a scan. It is noninvasive and that is the reason that I chose it over the ablation. The whole procedure took about one and a half hours in the machine. Not good for a person like myself who is claustrophobic. I took a sedative, the third one in my entire life and I was fine. Since coming home I have been in bed. I am exhausted and wrung out. But I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!

I hope. I will not know for sure until I get my next Pet Scan, which is scheduled for the second week in September. Then I shall know without any question of doubt that the two procedures had gotten out all the cancer from my body. In the meantime, I shall celebrate!! A sad celebration at that, because Lewis is not here with me. He would be ecstatic at this moment. He would be so happy, he would not know what to do with himself. And he would not allow me to worry about the results of the procedures, he would just say all of the cancer was removed from my body and I would believe him.

So I am going to put my concerns on the back burner, including the one that my cancer could just return even if it was all removed, and start to live my life again. I was given a twenty percent chance that this would work. I know that I will be one of the twenty percenters that this will work for. And right now I am cancer free and it is a glorious feeling!!!!

Hence, I am making travel plans and I shall live my life to the fullest. I beat the odds by just being given the chance to be cancer free and I am going to play my hand. It is so very strange to find myself in this position, without Lewis and without direction. I am not in love with Miami any more, but I do not know where to live. I have traveled extensively and do not know where to go next. But, this is my new journey. It will take me where the wind blows and I know that at the end of the day I shall enjoy where ever I wind up. Meeting new friends, seeing beautiful sights and eating good food, what can be better. I found what makes me happy and that which allows me to forget my tale of woes. You do the same. Find your joy, find your peace and fight for your life. You are your own best advocate and doctors are only human who are overworked, and have their own problems. Question everything and do what you feel is best in your heart and in your head. Enjoy your life and always find a reason to laugh. Love is out there, happiness is your own making and find that which brings you fulfillment.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!!