SANDPOINT

I just got home from Sandpoint, Idaho. I went skiing with my daughter, granddaughter and my future son in law. And it was great! The skiing was fun and the time with my family and friends was totally awesome.

But now I am home and the realization that I shall forever be alone is finally becoming a reality. I came home to an empty house and a lonely existence. Even when I am with family and friends I feel as if something is missing; that a part of me is gone. They say that when a limb is cut off of a person that person still feels sensations in the limb. It itches and there is no where to scratch. It hurts, but it is no longer there. That is how I feel. I feel him with me, but I can not touch him, talk to him and see the love that he felt for me in his eyes. I keep asking him where he has gone and why he is not with me. I know an answer is not forthcoming, and when one does, if one does, I shall not be on this earth. But I do ask and it keeps him alive for me, for if only a moment.

So now that I am home, I have a lot of work to accomplish. I must locate a Cancer Trial so that once I find out when and if the medication I am on presently is no longer working, I will have a treatment that does not include chemo. This will occur in May when I take my next Pet Scan. Finding a trial that I would partake in and one that is suitable for me is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Yes, there is a central depository of all the trials going on in the United States, but I am not sure I am educated enough to know if a trial is viable for my type of cancer. Also, I do not want a trial with a placebo. I do not want a trial that is just beginning. I want one that has some kind of track record and one that utilizes immunotherapy, which mimics the body’s immune system to attach cancer cells. Such a trial may actually save me and I totally believe that this kind of treatment will ultimately be the cure for all kinds of cancers. What a tall order. But I feel it is worth pursuing.

A side note; I do not believe that Chemo is the answer. Chemo is like using an atomic bomb to destroy a single home, which it does, but it destroys everything else in its path. My doctor says that I should consider Chemo, it has changed, it is not like the old fashioned Chemo of yesterday she says and she says that I am not considering it, because I am not in pain. She may be right, but I might as well partake in a clinical trial first and if it does not work, then I can always reconsider. But there is a chance that I will never feel pain. What if the pain only comes when I am about to die? Well then, I must say, I lived a good life.

I am not the usual patient. I ask questions, I do not go gently into the night into the nightmare of Chemo. I will fight for my right to find something else. I will do what I think is right for me. Doctors are only acting upon their educated guesses and they are not always right. Make sure you ask questions. Do not take what they say as the Gospel. They do not know, they are human just like the rest of us.

I am going to my daughter’s wedding in May, no matter what. I have trips planned to go to North Carolina, to Costa Rica and to the outback in Australia. There are so many places that I want to go and experience. I am not ready to die and meet up with Lewis just yet. He will just have to join me on my escapades, even if it is as a figment of my imagination. But I will live, I will continue to have fun and I will laugh as often as I can and for as long as I can. I know what brings me happiness and what helps me to cope. Find your happiness, find your solace and just remember to smile, laugh and love deeply.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!!!