RADIATION

So it is done. I no longer have cancer in my iliac bone, at least that is what I am hoping to be true. I will not know for sure until I have my next Pet Scan. I am achy, but I do not have any real pain. I am melancholic, because this should not be happening without Lewis being by my side. We should be celebrating! We should be laughing and smiling and feeling as if a weight has been removed from our shoulders. But instead I am going to Milan to meet my son. We are going so that we will be together on the anniversary of my husband, Lewis’s, death. I cannot believe that a whole year has passed since the dreadful day on the plane. I cannot believe that I have been alone for a year. I cannot believe that this is my existence for a very long time to come. What I truly can not believe is that I will be cancer free and Lewis will not be here to celebrate with me. I cannot believe that I will not see that perpetual great big smile on his face. I will not see his happiness nor will I see the love that emanated from him. It is not fair, it is not right, but who says life is fair?. I am going in a couple of days for a fitting for the MRI machine that will rid me of the cancer I have in my liver. Once that is completed I will be cancer free. I will have this procedure when I return from Milan, Italy.

A friend asked me, “does this mean that your cancer is now in remission?” I automatically answered by saying “no, once you have Stage 4 Cancer you can never be in remission”. But once I thought about it, I realized that the definition of Stage 4 Cancer is cancer that cannot be removed from ones body by any and all procedures. I now will have removed all the cancer from my body, what now is my clinical diagnosis? I know I will have to remain on hormonal treatments, I know I will have to continue to get Pet Scans and I know I shall never be free from the fear that it will come back. But I also know that I will live a life full of happiness and that I shall do so for however long as I can, no matter what my diagnosis shall be.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!