NOW WHAT?????

You would think that now that I am cancer free I would be jumping for joy. You would think that I would be traveling and having the time of my life, but NO, it is not that way at all. First I came home with a broken nose. Which I am still black and blue from. Then my favorite and only remaining uncle dies. Then my beloved friend of 40 years goes into hospice and dies a slow and torturous death for over a month. And to top it all off I have had severe stomach aches putting me in the Emergency Room twice, once in California and once in Miami. Needless to say I left California early. Did not go to North Carolina and cancelled my trip to Cincinnati. Yes, I am having loads of fun!!! This is why I have not written for quite a while.

I woke up one evening doubled over due to excruciating pain in my stomach, I emailed my Primary Doctor and he asked me to come in immediately. Because the pain was under my rib cage as well as the rest of my stomach he ordered a CT scan. He was concerned about my Pancreas. When he saw the results he was then concerned about my liver and contacted my oncologist. My oncologist called me and said she is not worried about my liver and that the CT scan indicated that I was medically alright and I could go to California. I left a few days later with all the medicine that my doctors prescribed. While in California the pain returned and I went to the Emergency Room, they took an ex-ray, two sonograms and sent me on my way. The ER doctor could not find anything wrong with me. Of course I left with more pills. I returned to Miami two days later. On the third night in Miami I found myself in the ER once again. I had another CT scan which indicated that I was fine, but for the pain. Again I left with more pills to take. I made an appointment with a GI doctor and when I saw him he scheduled me for an endoscopy. Again nothing was found in the endoscopy or biopsies that were taken. So I had two CT scans, one ex-ray, two sonograms and an endoscopy that all indicates there is no medical reason that I am having such severe pain. So, what can one do, you may ask, it is a no brainer, one must find answers on their own. I know that radiation, particularly radiation of the liver can cause stomach pain and gut inflammation. The pill I was on prior to my stomach issues was Kisqali. I originally took three pills, the amount protocol recommends, I then went down to two and then to one and eventually I took myself off of the pill altogether, because it was causing me to have heart palpitations, made me extremely fatigued and caused me to have open sores on my body. I believe that Kisqali in combination with the radiation of my liver did a number on my gut lining and is the cause of my digestive problem which is causing the pain. . So, I changed my diet; I removed all spicy foods, citrus, vinegar, alcohol, coffee, sweets and no red meats. I am eating all probiotic enriched foods. Bland foods. I am no longer taking any medications and I am doing okay, but I do not want to go on living on such a diet and fearing that anything could trigger my stomach pain again. But, I am starting to get my strength back and I even went out for the first time yesterday. Wow, can you believe that, cancer did not stop me, but my stomach did. Where is the justice in this scenario??

I am now looking for a nutritionist that specializes in realigning the gut. Someone who can direct me to a more sustainable diet and one that will actually replace the nutrients and enzymes and reestablish my gut lining. A tall order, but I know there must be someone out there.

In a week I am going to Costa Rica. I have not made my return reservation as of yet. I suspect I will go for two to three weeks. I think that this is what I need. I am going with my oldest friend that I have had for over 60 years and we are staying with a dear friend who lives there. I am so ready to get out into the world once again!!!

I now know what it is like to be incapacitated by your health. I lived it before, but at the time I was not alone and at least then I knew what was needed to combat the illness. Not knowing what to do or what is causing the pain has been quit distressing. But the worst part of this has been the total and complete acknowledgment that I am now completely on my own. I went to the ER alone. I drove back alone. I picked up my prescriptions alone. I sat in my apartment for weeks alone and I mourned my loss. I had never really given myself an opportunity to mourn the lose of Lewis and consider what it all means to me and my future. I think a large part of my hibernation for the past four weeks has been a needed catharsis for my soul.

But, like I always say, this too shall pass!!! If I have to change my diet forever, then that is what I will do. If I have to stand on my head and count to 50 every morning that is what I will do as well. But I will get past this. I will travel and enjoy my life. I will see my family and friends who bring me joy and I will survive!!! One thing cancer has proven to me is that I am a fighter!! And I will fight for a happy and joyful life!! Do the same. Do not wait for the doctors to find the answers, be an active participant. Only you know your body and how you feel. But most importantly find that which brings you joy in your life and go for it!! I firmly believe that love, happiness and joy in ones life gives you a purpose to survive. It also gives you the strength to survive. So smile often, laugh often and wake up everyday believing that today every thing will change for the better no matter what you are going through!!!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!!