NEW YORK

Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce and corn bread. I really have not cooked since Lewis and I started to travel and that was about five years ago. When we were in different parts of the world we never cooked. We may have made coffee in the morning, but that was about it. When we were in Miami we never really cooked, because we were only here for a couple of weeks at most. Then when Lewis died, I did not feel like cooking for just myself. I found it to be very lonely and no longer fun.

I made Thanksgiving for 7 people, I made enough food for 15 people and enjoyed the process. But it was more difficult than I thought or remembered it to be. I guess Lewis was much more help then I had ever given him credit for. He loved to cook as well, but Thanksgiving was my baby. Everybody seemed really pleased with the meal, so what more could I ask for. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without Lewis was bitter sweet. It brought up such memories that were wonderful, a past that I treasure, but I missed him so much it caused such indescribable pain.

Now to New York. It was a whirlwind trip, did not stop for a moment. Went to a Monet exhibit in the Brooklyn Museum, went to a Jazz club, went to a Blues club that was fabulous, the singer and lead guitarist was 80 years of age if not older who used to play with Muddy Waters, went to see a Broadway show, Beatlejuice, which I do not recommend, went to many great restaurants, went to SoHo, went shopping for food for a dinner my son and his fiancé made, went to the Village, went to China Town, met my friend for lunch uptown, met my future in-laws for Dim Sum and I know I must have missed something, these activities accomplished in less than six days was a lot of running around!! I had a great time and although I do love New York, I could not live there due to its pace, but it is a great place to visit!!

Where I can live is in Costa Rica. If it has a pace at all it would be described as slow and perhaps sleepy. But that is okay with me. I can go to all these fast paced, interesting, over indulging locations and then come back to a place where I can breath. So, I am moving forward with the contract to build not a house, but a home. Some place that I will feel comfortable and where I will want to spend a good deal of time. I will still travel, but Costa Rica will be my respite from the insanity of the world. And oh, is there plenty of that!!! But that is a different conversation to be had one of these days!!!

I am about to sign a Contract for the construction of the house and I was up all night thinking about what am I doing. Am I crazy? I am about to be 70 years of age and I am building a house in a foreign country, alone. And on top of it all, I have Stage 4 Cancer, (even though I am cancer free at the moment, it is still considered Stage 4), and who knows how long I will live. I must be crazy!! But I am going to do it anyway. Why not? You only live once no matter how long or short it may be!! And there are no guarantees for anyone. My healthy husband died without warning and I am still here, that should prove that there are no guarantees or justice!!

I believe I was up all night worrying about what I am doing, because of the fact that I am now making all the decisions on my own. When Lewis was around we made all the major decisions together, we talked about it, we gave our pros and cons and we, right or wrong, came to a conclusion. Now it is all on me. And it is a big decision. One not to be made lightly. But after all my consternation and hours of thinking through the what ifs, the alternatives and what I want and how I picture the rest of my life to be, it turns out that I feel I am doing just what Lewis would have decided for “me” to do. I do so wish that the “me” was a “we”!!!!

I look at my life and I must say with all my travails, I am damn lucky. Most people would not feel that way, but I do. I had 50 wonderful years with my husband. I loved him and in return I was loved deeply. He is now gone, but I have wonderful memories!!! I had cancer when my children were young, but I survived and had a normal and happy life with them. I did not take chemo and had 16 great years. I got cancer for a second time and once again I survived. I got Cancer for the third time and it was Stage 4. But since being diagnosed, I have survived for four years with only taking prescription medication. When the prescription medication stopped working and there were no other treatments to be had, I was told that I need to follow protocol and start to take the chemotherapy pill, Xeloda. This pill cannot be taken for a long period of time, because it is toxic and once you have to get off of it, then intravenous Chemotherapy is the only treatment available. I refused. And due to my refusal and my doctor having nothing else to prescribe, I was offered 16 months ago, radiation treatment to remove the cancer out of my Iliac bone and Liver where the cancer had spread. I was offered this, due to my refusal and because for some reason the cancer in my lungs and my chest wall, which cannot be radiated or surgically removed had disappeared. Since the radiation, I do not have any traces of cancer in my body. Am I not one of the luckiest people you have ever met? It is all in one’s perspective!!!!

Go out and live your life to the fullest and fight every impediment that comes your way and tell yourself and anyone that will listen that you are not ready to be taken down!!! Ask questions and do not be afraid to make your own decisions!!! Doctors are just human and they are making educated guesses. Sometimes they can make the wrong choice, it is up to you to decide. But most of all enjoy your life, even if it is limited, smile often, laugh and love, do love greatly!!! Love your spouse, significant other, your family, your friends and tell them so. But most of all love yourself!! Let no one make you feel unworthy of love or belittle you. Stand up for your right to have a fulfilling life!! And a life worth living!!!! And then, go out and LIVE!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!