LOOKING FOR A REASON

I am finally back in Miami. Coming home feels surreal. It has been almost five weeks now since Lewis has died, (I do not like euphemisms), and I still feel that any moment he will be coming in through the door. I know that would never occur, but perhaps it is another one of those coping mechanisms we all have.

My mind keeps questioning why Lewis died. But I know that there is no good reason for what happened. Lewis was young, in good health and had a determination to live. He was having so much fun and he should have had many more years to enjoy his life. It was me who should have died. I am the one with the terminal illness. Not him. If anyone should have left this world it was me. We were ready, we talked about it. Everything was in place. Not so with Lewis.

I have my hands full now in regards to his death. Nothing is in order. Nothing was planned for. But again this is keeping me busy and busy keeps my mind active and keeps me from focusing on my loneliness.

I am planning to join up with my recent RY group again. It will do me good and I know Lewis would want me to go. I will be with friends who knew and loved Lewis. I shall be gone again for over three months starting in late October. Prior to that time I have made reservations to go to New York with my sister to visit my son and old friends. Then from New York off to Philly via a train ride to visit a friend who I and my sister have known for over 60 years.

The world is my oyster, but unfortunately I am not hungry. All these travel plans will take my mind off of Lewis, but it will not relieve my pain. But the one thing I know is that I will survive. Everyone tells me how strong I am. I do not know if it is strength, just that I do not know what else to do. So until I find that I should be doing something else, or that cancer makes it so that I cannot travel, travel on I shall go.

Find your something that will allow you the opportunity to forget your loneliness, your sickness, your problems. Find that which will make you smile and grab onto it. Life is short, I learned that the hard way. Do not waste your life, not a day. Smile, laugh, sing even for just a moment each day.

Life is not merely surviving, but sometimes you have to survive just to live.