LET’S CHAT ABOUT DEATH

I have been thinking about death lately.  Why you may ask, I ask why not? I guess it is because I have been a bit worried about my health. I was and am able to deal with my cancer, I have become almost resigned to the fact, if that is possible. But it is the small health issues I have been dealing with that have been grating on my nerves. First my stomach issue in Mexico City that lasted over two weeks, then the swelling of my arm and my feet. Then it is the small little sores I am getting on my head, which leads to hair loss. What the hell is going on. Is cancer not enough to deal with? Do I have to be continually be tortured? This is what is causing me to melt down. So to the skinny, I am going home next week to get the Pet scan I did not receive the last time I was in Miami. I just want to make sure that my cancer is at bay and these other ailments I am experiencing is nothing but common side affects of the drugs I am taking. Then I can stop worrying.

It should be noted that I am not afraid of dying.  I never had been. I guess, because I totally believe that I was here before and I will be here again.  I believe with all my heart and without question in reincarnation.  I believe I know who I was before, not like a total memory, but enough to know who I was and how I lived and died. It is like when you have a dream and you think about it just prior to being fully awake, you think you will remember the dream, but then you don’t. It fades away. But once in a while you will remember bits and pieces of the dream; sometimes it feels just like deja vue. It is the same with past lives, at least for me.  I remember certain things and I do not know why or how I could or would know something or someone, but I do.  I believe that my husband is my soul mate and that we have been together before and I firmly believe that we will be together once again. Perhaps to his chagrin.  It is not like I believe that when you die you go to a place like heaven and you have a blissful and peaceful death-life,  I do not believe you meet up with old family members or play a harp. What I believe is that your soul is transported to another individual living thing. And not necessarily a human being. Now I know you will say this old girl is wacky.  Perhaps, I need to be in order to be able to keep trucking on as I do.

Anyway, whether you believe in reincarnation or not, it is not really the person who dies that suffers.  Once you are gone there is no longer any pain, no more worries, just nothing.  Sometimes feeling nothing can be a blessing.  Just so you know I do not want to die or desire to do so anytime soon, but in some cases death is a relief. I am not there yet, not nearly, but I truly believe that if you are not living a life, just surviving, then death is desirable. To me, when one dies it is the people who loved you that suffer.  I do not think about myself when I think of death, I think about the people that I love and how my death will affect them. What will happen to them, how will they themselves deal with my death. This is the part that makes it difficult for me to think about my passing.  (I hate that euphemism, now that I have written it on paper, it occurs to me, maybe I shouldn’t hate it, we are passing from this life to another one).  Anyway, not knowing what will become of my loved ones, not being there to see and assist in what happens, makes me sad. But every now and then I cannot stop my thoughts.  It is only natural and I suspect par for the course.

I am going to Miami next week to put my thoughts to rest. I am not even going to think about the “what ifs” of the situation. I am coming home for a week, I got my blood test and the Pet scan lined up. Got my doctors appointment on Thursday and I have my reservations to leave the next evening to go to Valencia Spain. And I will go. Either the doctor is going to say my cancer is stable or he will give me a new medication, nothing else at this moment would I even consider. And I know from past experience that it will take my insurance company at least a month to get me the new medication so I am not waiting around to get it. To them it is one less month to have to pay for my very expensive medication. They are in no rush to put their hands in their pockets to pay for me to stay alive. My death is much cheaper for them.

So, I am going to enjoy whatever time I do have. I love to travel, see new places, meet new people, eat great food and just to be alive. Until I am dead, I am alive. Until I want to be dead, I am going to live. Do the same, enjoy every minute you have. Remember “Life is not merely Surviving!”

I am going to live life to its fullest!