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So I am finally home. It got to a point in my travels this time that I felt it was time to get home. I was tired, exhausted and fatigued. It was extremely difficult to travel without Lewis by my side. I am not saying that I did not have fun, but I am saying that I was sad a lot of the times and I was lonely even when I was with my friends. It was as if a large part of my body, my soul, my thoughts were no longer with me. But I must admit I was afraid to come home and find that Lewis would not be there. His death is finally becoming real to and I must acknowledge that he will never come back. And it hurts.

As I said, I am home. And of course he was not here to greet me as I walked through the door. I am alone. Yes, I have children, a sister, family and yes I have many friends, but it is not the same. He was my companion, friend, soul mate, lover and the one person who loved me without question. Here I am bemoaning the loss of my husband when so much additional shit has taken center stage in my life.

One of my dearest and oldest friend died. I found out the day after my arrival home. My other friend is being tormented and threatened by a psychopath, who may get away with her devious plan. And I am now being called as a witness to a closing that went south. All for starters. And Oh, did I forget to tell you, my cancer has now spread to my liver. Ain’t that a great welcome home. I am beside myself.

I am now going to take some additional blood tests on Monday to determine if there any mutations in my blood. If there are mutations, then there are targeted drugs that I may be able to use to fight the cancer. Unfortunately a test I took about a year ago or more indicated that there were no mutations. I can only hope. These drugs, if I can use them, could be life savers. I am simultaneously increasing the milligrams of the drug I have been on for the last year or so, to see if that would arrest the growth of the cancer. A time buying devise, which I am all for. However, the last time I tried the drug at such a high dosage it drove me insane. But hopefully after using the medication, {my sister hates when I call it a drug}, for over a year now my body has become immune to the side effect of insanity. The increased dosage caused me to be jittery, nervous and I would bite any ones head off if you looked at me wrong. Not the type of person you want to invite to a party.

Chemo was mentioned. Not the old fashion kind, as of yet, but one contained in a little pill. I am not sure if I would take it, but I would consider it. But first I need to get answers to my many questions in regards to the use of such a pill. First question; Is there a drug available to be used after use of this drug or does it preclude use of a series of drugs. And my major question; will the use of the Chemo pill eliminate me from any future Cancer trials. Always ask questions. I am even getting a second opinion from a doctor from Sloan Kettering before I move forward.

I had written a blog about a year and a half ago, but never published it regarding Chemo. I will attach excerpts of the blog here, because my opinion has not changed.

I chose not to have Chemo in 2004. You may say that I made the wrong choice, because I got cancer again in 2017.  But my retort would be; it was a different cancer than the one in 2004.  Your follow up response may be; you got cancer now from the cancer you had in 2004 so you should have had the chemo back then.  What I would respond to that statement is;  I did the right thing, I made the right choice; I had 16+ fabulous years with my young children, my loving husband, my family that I may not have had if I had gotten chemo.  Chemo is a drug with side effects that I would not wish on my worst enemies. (I could name a few if you so desire).  Chemo in and of itself can kill you or destroy your health in many different ways, different from what the cancer can do.  I have been told that chemo is quite different now, but even now, I do not know if I would submit myself to it.

ALSO, and most importantly I believe that it is the quality of life that is most important, not how long you get to live your life.  These are decisions that only you can make, not your doctor, not your spouse or your loved ones, but you.  Be strong and do what is right for you.

So, as I started out with this blog, I am home. I wish I was somewhere else. You may ask, are you going to continue traveling? My answer is yes, without a doubt. I can be sick here or I can be sick doing that which I love. So travel I shall do. I may not be able to travel for three to four months at a time now, but I will travel for as long as and as often as I can. Life is to be lived!! Enjoy every day. Even those days that you think the gods are against you, you can find something that makes you smile. Do not give up. I will not.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!