FRIENDS AND FAMILY

No, I do not mean the calling plan. But actually my friends and family do call me all the time and it is much appreciated. I am still in California. I will be here until Friday when I am leaving to go to North Carolina to see Lewis’ sister and family. I will greatly miss being with my granddaughter and daughter. The little one will not even remember me once I am gone. Which means I will have to be coming back this a way quite often. The trip to N. C. is a trip that Lewis and I had planned to do together, either before or after seeing our new granddaughter. But alas, I shall have to go at it alone.

So far it is with the help of friends and family that I have been able to get up in the morning. It is also the thought that I will continue that which Lewis and I had been planning that keeps me going. I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning and he is not with me. He is in my heart, he always will be, but it is a broken heart.

I keep thinking that he should be here. I keep thinking that he will join me at any minute. I know it is wishful thinking, but that does not stop me from having the feeling that it will occur. He should see his grandchild, he should see this town, he should be enjoying his life. He should be making plans to have fun and see the world. What the hell happened? I read the newspapers ever day and see how many people have died recently. I know that it is a natural phenomenon to die. Birth and death are two givens. But it is not natural or acceptable when it is someone you love.

I was the one who was suppose to die. I have a chronic disease, as my oncologist explained it. We understood the reasons for my eventual death. We had time to get prepared. Lewis was healthy. He should be alive! So, when I say live every day like it was your last, believe me. It could very well be your last day on this earth. So do something that brings you happiness every day, express your love, your friendship. Do not allow the thought of tomorrow stop you from what you want to say or do today. Find some joy in your life, I am. I find joy in my grandchild. I find joy being here to witness my daughter turning into a loving mother. And I will be traveling with friends. Just as we had planned. I know that this is what Lewis would have wanted me to do. He would want me to continue and to find happiness along the way. Why do I know this, because he loved me with all his heart. He would want me to be happy. Traveling worked for me in dealing with my cancer, so I guess it will have to work for me now with Lewis. Traveling gives me a different perspective, it allows me to forget and live life as if I was not ill and now at times it allows me not to feel so heartbroken and alone.

Life is not merely surviving!!!