DETROIT, MICHIGAN

I went to Detroit to visit a good friend of mine and Detroit was so much nicer than I could have ever anticipated. I went to see my friend and I went also as an attempt to try not to dwell on the loss of Lewis, my husband, friend, lover and soul mate. I had to get away from Miami and the memories engendered by the apartment that we shared. Did it work? You may ask. Well yes and no. I did see my friend, I did enjoy myself and there were actually times that I was able to not think about Lewis, during said times I felt like it was a normal every day kind of day. But then there were other times that I broke down and cried my eyes out.

It is so very strange for me to be without Lewis. I really have no past without him being a part of my life. Not being able to talk to him, hold him or see his smiling face is really hard. I still feel like he will walk through the door at any moment, in a restaurant, a store, especially when I am in the apartment. I was hoping/dreaming that he would be waiting for me in the apartment when I returned home. I suppose all this is just a coping mechanism. The mind easing the realization that he will not ever be with me again. I suspect that time will dull the pain, but the wound will always remain.

On another note, the medication that is keeping me alive for the moment is also causing me to lose my hair. I mean l am losing a lot of hair. I may one day have to wear a wig, if I keep losing as much as I have in these past few weeks. Hopefully not, but I am starting to worry. I have rationalized that if the medication has only this one side affect that I am experiencing, then I am okay with it. I do not like it, but the other side affects are so much worse. I will take this one over any of the others.

I always use to say that; “Life is a bitch! And then you die!” I did not realize how right I was at the time. Life is a bitch, but even in the worst of times you can find some happiness. I am going to continue to travel. I really do not know what else to do and I know that traveling has helped me cope with my illness, so I am hoping that it will help me cope with losing Lewis. It already has to some extent and I am hopeful that it will do so more and more as time passes.

Live life to the fullest in the best way you can. Find some happiness, something that makes you smile, something that brings pleasure into your life. Do not allow your illness or your loss to end your life prematurely. It may seem as if it is over, but it is not. Remember your life is not over until they actually put you into the ground! And no one can predict when that will occur. So do not hasten it by giving up on your life before your time. Enjoy everyday as if it were your last.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!