COSTA RICA AND MORE

It was a great trip and one I truly needed. I did not realize how exhausted I was until I got there. I spent weeks researching alternative medicines, reviewing medical findings and researching hundreds of Cancer trials. It turns out that I did not need to locate a trial, but only after all of my work was done and my last visit to the Oncologist. I went to Costa Rica with two friends and I must say it was peaceful, beautiful and calming. I finally exhaled and started to breath again!!

The friends I was with, sans one, were great I saw various types of monkeys, Scarlet McCall, many different types of Parrots, frogs, sloths and gators. The beaches were empty and pristine. The vegetation was lush and verdant. The place was wonderful! The people I was with were wonderful!!

I needed the time to finally relax before I have the two procedures that will rid my body of the cancer. I came back and went to four doctors in three days. I had a Cat Scan, EKG, blood tests and in a couple of days I will get an MRI. Then the following week I will get five treatments of radiation and the cancer will finally be out of my celiac bone. When I get home from my next trip with my son in early July I will have the cancer removed from my liver. Then I will be cancer free for the first time in a very long time.

So here is the problem, I am lethargic, blue, perhaps even depressed. Why you may ask, when my future health prospects looks so good? Well it was different before when I thought that my life span was going to be short. It was different when I thought that I would die soon and meet up with Lewis, my deceased husband. But now I cannot get it out of my mind that I will be alone for the rest of my life. And said life may be long. I am now realizing that Lewis is gone forever and he will never return. I never felt that way before, I always felt that one day he would walk through the door or he would be in the apartment when I returned home. I never conceptualized that Lewis was truly gone. And now I cannot get him and the truth out of my mind.

I have spent the weekend in bed. I am watching TV and cannot even tell you what I have watched. I eat, then don’t eat. I have not called my friends. I do not pick up the phone when they call. And I am wallowing in my own despair. I know I have a right to feel this way. I know that it is not unusual to feel this way. BUT I also know that this will last only for a moment in time, because I know that this too shall pass!!! I know that it will not be overnight, but this feeling will dissipate as the days wear on.

I am leaving to meet my son in Milan on July 1st. I am going to go to California at the end of July to see my daughter. I am going to London with my sister in August. And I am planning other trips. I cannot stay home. I will get over all of this the same way I got over learning that I had Stage 4 cancer and dealing with what comes with having it. It is not easy to make plans without Lewis, but I know that once I get going it will change my perspective and bring pleasure into my life. I will do that which I enjoy and I will find happiness every day of my life. It will be hard and at times lonely, but this is my life going forward. I have to accept this, there is no other way. So reservations I shall make and I hope that as the time passes so will my pain.

Life is not what I expected it to be, but I have no regrets!! I loved him and he loved me for over 50 years!! What more can anyone ask for? I shall travel, I shall laugh, I shall love and enjoy my friends and family. I shall remember all the good times I had with Lewis when I get down. But I shall keep on moving.

Life is what you make of it!!! Smile, find that which brings you pleasure and live life to the fullest!!!

Life is not merely Surviving!!!!