BACK IN MIAMI

Just got back from a whirlwind trip in New York City with my sister. Saw my son every day, visited friends, ate out morning, noon and night. Went to museums, Central Park, a Jazz club, a Broadway Show, Coney Island, the old neighborhood that my sister and I lived in, various bars and had a damn good time. Never stopped for a moment. Never had a moment to sit and think. Never had a moment to dwell on the loss of my husband, Lewis.

It was Lewis’ Birthday while we were in NY. We went out for a special dinner and it was so terribly bitter sweet. We went to a restaurant that he would have loved. We toasted his life and memory. He should have been there. He should still be alive. I miss his touch. I miss his smile that he always wore. I miss his voice. I just about miss everything about him. I also miss not feeling guilty, because I smile or laugh or have a good time. The guilt is there even though I know that he would want me to be happy. It just does not feel right when he can not partake in the fun. That evening I could no longer run from my memories and the pain from the loss of my beloved.

But this is what I am told is called grieving. The ups and the downs. The crying spells. I am told that time will not so much stop you from grieving, but will dampen the pain and diminish the intensity. It is the passing of time that is needed now to help me adjust to a life without Lewis.

I plan to travel extensively and now one major reason is so that I am perpetually busy, too busy to think. It worked for me this last trip while I was in NY and it worked for me regarding my illness. I never thought about having cancer until I had to. I only became aware of my condition when I had to make arrangements to return to the US and get a Pet Scan and see the Doctors. Otherwise, I did not feel or perceive that I was ill. Traveling does that for me. It allows me to forget. It speeds up the passing of time, which I am hoping will help with the grieving.

I found the something that works for me. Go out and find that which will work for you. Find that something which will make you smile, bring you happiness. Enjoy your life, take every day as a gift. Do not let the illness rob from you your life. Don’t let a loss overwhelm you. Have the courage to take the necessary steps towards happiness and a fulfilled life.

Life is not merely surviving!!