A NEW YEAR BEGINS

Today is the day that leads up to New Year’s Eve. I am sitting in my apartment and I am feeling quite sad and mournful. I have not been without Lewis for neither Hanukkah, Christmas or New Year’s Eve for over 50 years. I feel devastated and lost without him. No one have I ever loved as much as him and no one has ever loved me more. We were inseparable. We were best friends, we were soul mates. It is truly surreal to realize that from this day forward Lewis will be but memories to me. However, I know that years may pass and the memories will fade, but my love will always remain.

I always knew that life was unfair, but I truly never realized how unfair it could get. A beautiful man cut down in his prime. When he was really enjoying his life, having fun, experiencing the world and who wanted to live more than anyone I ever knew. Then he was gone. Just like that, in a blink of an eye. Now I am alone and trying to live without him. And trying to continue to live with Stage 4 Cancer.

I have written over a hundred of these blogs. First I started out writing about my illness and then with Lewis’s death I now write more and more about the loss of a loved one. And of course I write about my travels. I use traveling as a coping mechanism; it allows me to forget about my illness and now it helps to alleviate, to an extent, the sorrow and grieving that I am experiencing. Traveling creates the opportunity to look outward from my own thoughts and to see the world and what it has to offer. I laugh, I cry, I am in awe at times and I am surviving. What is so amazing to me is that life does continue. Today is just the same as yesterday, but for another life is gone. That too will be the experience of those who will miss me when I leave this earth. Life will continue. It will go on as if nothing has changed, but for those who feel the loss.

I have found that I can continue to live and enjoy my life while feeling the loss of a loved one. Mourning will not bring your loved ones back. Sitting home grieving will not bring your loved ones back. Nothing will. So live, especially if you have an illness. There are no guarantees that you will survive the mourning period. Life is to be lived. Find that which brings you happiness, joy, fulfillment and live your life to the fullest. Smile often, laugh, love and be kind to yourself.

Life is not merely surviving!!!