A LETTER

Dear Lewis;

I have been writing you a letter in my head since the day after you were gone. I find myself writing you almost daily. I write how I feel, what I am doing and anything that I believe you would want to hear. I write many letters in my head, not only to you. I always have. It helps me to understand what I am going through, it allows me the opportunity to verbalize my feelings and it allows me to get it out of my system without anyone knowing my true feelings. I think with you though it is my way to keep you alive. I can write to you without ever having to acknowledge that you are no longer here. It allows me to continue to share my thoughts and feelings with you as I always had.

I miss you more than anything in this world!! I love you more than anything in this world!!! I think of you almost every minute of every day! I greet you when I wake up and I say good night to you when I go to sleep. I view everything in light of how you would respond to the various situations that arise in my life. When I was told I was cured of cancer, the only thing I could visualize at that moment was your face when you heard the news. The joy you would have experienced. The utter happiness that would have been beaming and radiating from every inch of your whole being. That was all that was important to me at that moment. Not that I was cured, but that you were not there to hear it being said and to share such joy.

Everyday I find myself in various positions where I ask you “where the fuck are you Lewis?” “Why are you not here with me?” I get no answer and I do not expect to get one, But the question remains a constant one. I do not blame you for being gone, because I know that you would have done anything in this world in order to be with me. I hear that grief will take a turn and the person grieving gets angry. I do not think I will go that route. I have no one to be angry with, I do have longing and loneliness and I must admit living without you, is just so difficult. But I do not believe that anger will ever play a part in my grief.

Do not misunderstand me and I do believe that you are here to see it, I am not depressed. I am not morose. I do find myself having fun. I do smile and laugh. I do love to travel and I do enjoy being with my friends and family. But the intensity of those moments are not what they would have been if you were with me. I just wish you were here! I think for those who survive a loved ones death, there is a lot of guilt associated with just being alive. Sometimes I do feel guilty, but I know that you want me to live and be happy, because I know that my sadness, would only make you sad.

As you know, I have been trying to spruce up my looks. Not to attract anyone, oh no, but to feel good about myself. You see, when you were around you were my looking glass. Every time I looked at you I felt that I was beautiful, because you thought so. I saw and felt such love and affection radiating from your whole being towards me that I never had to question myself. I came to depend on you for my daily dose of confidence. Not that anyone would look at me and question my self assurance, but it was so rewarding to get a daily dose of self-esteem every time I saw you looking at me.

Why have I decided to formally write this letter to you and share it now? Well it has been 14 months since you died and it appears that I will not stop this exercise of writing letters to you. I want you to know how I feel. I wanted to give you something tangible. And I believe it helps me deal with losing you. I believe that writing letters and my travels are one and the same thing: they are my coping mechanisms with dealing with your death and my health issues.

One must find how to deal with both. It is not easy and it will take many different forms. But you must find one that works for you. You must find a method to deal with your loss and/or your health. And you must find a way to find happiness. Life is not guaranteed and everyday you live is one day less of your life span. So enjoy each and every day!!! Find a reason to smile. Find a reason to live! And yes, live!!

Love always,

Holly

P.S. “Life is not merely surviving!!!!!”