PUSHED OFF A CLIFF

So I was sitting on top of the world in my last few blogs. I was cancer free for over a year. I reached the ripe old age of 70. An age achieved that at times I did not think I would make. I am building a house in Costa Rica. And all in all I was doing pretty good. I missed Lewis, but I got up every morning relatively happy. But then, I had a bi-yearly MRI and I was pushed into a deep and dark void. The MRI showed that my cancer has come back. It is located in my liver.

My Oncologist was not optimistic. And I understand, there are just so many drugs out there on the market and I have run the gambit. She said she would like to put me on an intravenous drug administered every three weeks. This drug, she said was not chemo. she proceeded to say that it does not cause you to lose your hair. And you are not as nauseous as when taking chemo. It is supposedly not as toxic. I said no thank you. I will not submit to it. If you have to compare when you are trying to sell the drug that it is not like chemo, then you have to assume that it is vile stuff. She then told me of a new drug that is manufactured by the same drug maker that makes Verzinio, which I am currently taking and it works in conjunction with it. It has just been approved and it is in essence a new estrogen blocker. She does not think it will work, because I have been on estrogen blockers now for over five years. And this one is not so different from the ones I have been taking. So I asked two questions: Can you guarantee me that the infusion will work? The answer was a resounding no, no one can guarantee that. My next question: Can you guarantee that the pill will not work. Another resounding no, there are no guarantees in medicine. So, I said, then why should I change my life style and submit myself to something that is just as unlikely to work as the pills. I at that moment made the decision that I will take the pills and take my chances.

I also stated; that if I ever do submit to the infusion, because the pills do not work. I will have the infusion not every three weeks, but every four weeks or more, so that my life is something other than just going to a doctors office. I plan to spend most of my time in Costa Rica and travel. The three week protocol is one that is an average of all the good results during the trials, and as I explained to the doctor, I am not an average, some in the trial needed it every three weeks, some every four weeks and who knows, some maybe even six or seven weeks. So again to have a life worth living, I will take my chances.

I asked the doctor if I could once again get an ablation of my liver. The radiation that removed the cancer last time. My doctor pointed out that I have at the moment too many tumors in my liver. I will have to get them under control before the procedure would even be considered. Also, it is first necessary to find out if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. If it has, I am shit out of luck. But if not, then I have a fighting chance. So, I need a Pet scan. I scheduled one to be had when I return from Costa rica.

I then went to see my Radiologist, located in the same building on the same day. She was more optimistic. She deals with livers and other organs. Her bag of tricks are not limited to drugs. She indicated that yes, I do need a Pet scan. And in order to even be a candidate for an ablation, we will have to wait to see if the new pill curtails the growth and diminishes the amount of tumors in my liver. A tall order. She also stated that there was a procedure that uses radio active isotopes that can be injected into my liver which only kills the cancer cells and leaves the rest of the liver intact. So, I do have choices and I do have hope.

I was going to write this Blog right after getting the devastating news, but a dear and intuitive friend of mine said don’t. “You do not need to be subjected to the heart felt reactions to the news, i.e.. pity. And she was right. I am now writing to let everyone know, because after returning from Costa Rica to buy my floor tiles for the new house, yes I went, I had my Pet scan. The report from my Pet scan indicates that there is no new growth of cancer other than in my liver. Yipee!!!!!!

So now I have a fight on my hands once again! I was so hoping that the cancer would not return for a very long time. But at least I had a year!!! I once again will start looking around for what else I can do to try to get the cancer out of my liver. But life is a crap shoot. No guarantees. So, I will continue to live my life, look for happiness, build my house in Costa Rica, and travel. I will find reasons to smile, I will laugh and I will love deeply. I will make the most of the time I have!!! What makes it all so much worse is doing it alone, without Lewis. But he would want me to fight, to live and be happy; I will do him right!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!