MIAMI

I have been home now for three weeks. Boy has it gone fast; I guess it is because of how busy I have been.

I got home on Saturday evening to find a flood in my living room. I had to clean up the water, move the furniture, move the carpet and hope for the best until the morning. I then had my air conditioner repairman come on Sunday to fix my air conditioner, I also had my friend who is a handy man come over to move the carpet and put it into the bathtub so that it could dry out and allow the wood on the floor to dry out as well. Needless to say the wood has been destroyed in the foyer, the area coming into the apartment. So on Monday I had to call my insurance agent only to be told that I should not bother to make a claim, because if I do, then I would receive very little money and then have my insurance cancelled on me. Only then to have to go out to get different and more expensive insurance that covers less. One always wonders why we bother getting insurance in the first place.

The next day, Monday, I moved out of my office that I have had in the building. I had that office for close to five years and went into it maybe 10 times at the most. I moved all my stuff into storage and in the apartment and threw out everything that I could. Tuesday I had my carpet moved downstairs to get cleaned. Air conditioning repairmen came again. A contractor came to look at my floors and give me an estimate. I started my search for tile to use to replace the wood. Wednesday I went to get a blood test. Had the tile man come to look at the floors.

Friday I went to my GP doctor to be told I am doing great!! Saturday spent hours going over my building plans for my home in Costa Rica. Monday I went out to look for tile again. Tuesday went to T mobile to find out that to fix my husbands old phones, which I have not as of yet turned off, would cost me more than to just buy a new one. Tuesday they picked up the rug to be cleaned. Air conditioning repair men came back to fix the air-conditioned further. Wednesday went for a Pet scan and a blood test. Monday I went to my warehouse to sell some of my office furniture and show the Broward County School board what I was willing to give away.

I went to my oncologist on Tuesday to discuss the results of the Pet scan and blood test, I am fine. No cancer!!!!! Started the shit diet to cleanse myself out for my colonoscopy on Friday. Wednesday went to look for tiles again. Found some I like. Thursday went to the dentist for a check up and teeth cleaning and then to my eye doctor to make sure I was not getting a cataract in my other eye. Doctor only needed to change my prescription. Friday had my colonoscopy. And on Monday I went to get a bone density scan. Then yesterday I went to the warehouse at seven in the morning to meet up with the Broward County School board personnel to give them all of my office furniture that I had in storage. It was a lot of furniture. I then went to the office at the storage facility and found new storage space that will now cost me one third of the cost of what I have been paying. All in all, wouldn’t you agree, a quite and uneventful few weeks!

I am not complaining about all that I had to do. I could have missed the flood, but everything else went as planned. All the tests have proven that I am well. I am cancer free!!! Can you imagine that, I have stage 4 Cancer and there is no cancer within my body!!! I was sick and now I am well and it is difficult to accept, especially when Lewis died and he was not even sick. Is this some cruel joke? I sometimes feel that dying would have been so much easier. You are here and then you are not! You do not worry, you do not miss anyone and you are at peace. I know that Lewis would not have been able to go on without me. At least I believe that. He would not have known how to survive. I guess I do. But it is not easy. I cry at a drop of a dime. I am laughing one minute and crying the next.

Why am I writing this, I guess it is because I am so tired. I am so tired knowing that I will not have my husband with me when things do go bad. I will be basically alone. Yes, I have family and friends, but they are not Lewis. They are not my foundation. They are not my true love. I have to make all the decisions now. I have to be the strong one. I am constantly being told how strong I am. How amazing I am. But I do not feel that way. I feel lost much of the time. But I do not know what else to do, but to proceed. To move forward. I feel as if I do not have a choice but to keep on going.

Life is hard. But I cannot stop. So I carry on. And when I do, I do find happiness. I do find laughter and I realize that life is to be lived. Everyday is a gift. I have my family and I have my friends and no they do not replace Lewis and all that he meant to me, but they do make life worth living.

Am I contradicting myself?, yeah, I guess, but that too is life. Life is not black and white, it is mostly gray and gray is a combination of black and white and you can find happiness within it. I seem to be rambling now!! I know, It is because you can be happy and sad all within the same moment. You can hate what you are doing and yet find pleasure in it. You can hate the person you are with and yet you love that person all the same. Life can be confusing. But enjoy it as much as you can. Proceed to the end with a smile on your face with the knowledge that it is the only life you have. So make the most of it!!!

Health can change in an instant for the good or for the bad. So fight for it, do not follow protocol without asking a million questions; you make up your own mind!!! Protocol is based on statistics, it does not work for everyone. You make the decisions. You are in control. Once you take control, you will feel better about your life and your situation. Do not let the fear defeat you. It is your body and your life and what happens or does not happen is up to you!! Take control and read your body and do what you think is right. And most of all while you are doing it, enjoy your life. Laugh, love, and find happiness where ever you can find it!!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!