WHAT TO SAY?

It has been awhile since I have written a blog. I really did not know what to say. I came home from Taiwan with much regret. I felt that Lewis should have been on this trip. He would have enjoyed it so. He would have been so happy. And I was so sad!!! I miss him so very much!!! I would have loved him to be on this trip with me and our son. I would have loved to share the experience and to be able to talk about all that had taken place. I have such pain from his early death! He was my soul mate, my friend, my lover, my confidant. My regret however is not for me. I regret that he is not enjoying his life. I regret that he is missing out on all that life has to offer. I regret that he is not smiling his all encompassing, radiant smile. My regret is for him.

I came home to an apartment, which is now fixed up, most boxes have been removed and furniture has been bought. It is more of a home now, not a waystation. And for the first time, I am aware that he will not be walking through the door. I know that he will not return and because of that I am finally mourning his death. I know that he is here with me in spirit and soul, which brings me comfort. But that is all that I will ever have. I am finally realizing that I have to let go of the belief, feeling or what ever it is that he will return to me. I am forced to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I have my children and family, but no they do not nor do I want them to take his place. I am letting go of a lot of things. So many that my heart breaks.

I have always been a perpetual optimist. I have always believed that tomorrow was another day. That perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and things will change for the better. That life could surprise me. But this experience with Lewis has shown me that some things will not change. That you have to take it at face value and realize that people, things, life is sometimes cruel. So I am letting go. I am now waiting to be surprised, not anticipating or believing, or is it just hoping that things will change.

I am still planning trips. I am still going to build a home in Costa Rica. I am still going to live a full life. It will be more empty, not as fulfilling, not as I had always pictured it would be; growing old with Lewis. But the pain will eventually subside and I will go on with my life. What choice do I have. I am not one to roll over and play dead. I am not one to not see the beauty in life and find a reason to live. I have fought for my life for so many years. I had cancer over 21 years ago for the first time. I fought to live then. I got it again eight years ago and fought it once again. And then 5 years ago I was told that I had Stage 4 Cancer and I have been fighting ever since. But I won!!! I had radiation and no longer have detectable cancer in my body. I refused take the so called Protocol (chemo pills) that was prescribed to me and it was because of that fight that I know in my heart I have many more years to live. And having said that, live I will!!!

I am a mother, a sister and a friend to many. I am there for all of them. I am there if they ask. But, and there is always a but, it will now have to be a two way street. After losing Lewis, I realized that life is not the way you dream or hope it to be, it is how you fashion and deal with the reality as it exists. I am now looking for a tranquil, peaceful life that brings me many laughs, friends and family that love me and a reason to continue to live. I believe I can find that, at least I will try!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!!