WHAT A DIFFERENCE A 100MG MAKE

It has been over three and a half months since the first time I experienced excruciating stomach pain. I went to the ER twice, had ex-rays, cat scans, sonograms, enzyme tests, an endoscopy, a stool test and a gastric MRI. Nothing out of the ordinary was found. I was told that my stomach and organs were all normal. But for the constant pain. Would you believe that I finally concluded, (after keeping a detailed diary of food, medications and time of said medications), that it was the cancer medication, Verzinio 100mg taken twice a day, that caused me the pain. Wow, what a cluster fuck!!!!! And it was I, with some help of friends and family, who finally figured out what needed to be done to stop the pain!! It took so long to figure it out, because I was on Verzinio in the past for about 10 months without experiencing any pain what so ever. Verzinio did do a number on my head when I took it the first time, but it did not cause me any pain. But then again I took it prior to the time I had extensive radiation in my liver and iliac bone. This could be the explanations as to why Verzinio now was causing the extreme pain, but who knows? All I know is that it was the second 100 mg dosage of Verzinio that did me in. About 3 to 4 hours after taking the pill my stomach hurt so bad that it woke me up and I was withering in pain. So I stopped taking the evening pill and I experienced no further pain. I did that for about five days and there was no further pain. My doctor insisted on proscribing a 50 mg pill of Verzinio to be taken twice a day instead of the 100mg pill taken just once a day. That way I will have the medication in my system for the full 24 hours. I am now on this regiment without pain for the past 4 days. My fingers are crossed.

What made my recent situation even worse was not having Lewis with me when I was home in bed due to the pain. I did not have him to hold me, he was not here to talk to me, to sympathize with me. I was alone. I had to get my pills. I had to eat. I had to deal with the everyday life issues. My sister came with me to the doctor, which I truly appreciated, but of course it was not the same. These few months made me more conscious of Lewis’ passing. I miss his sweet voice! I miss his laugh! I miss his touch! I miss the the way he looked at me that told me he loved me with all of his heart and without question!!!! I know that I will never ever be loved like that again!!!

Okay, now to the really good news: I just had my Pet Scan and I am still cancer free!!!! There is no new growth and the two areas radiated have further resolved. My cancer numbers are down to below normal and my doctors are thrilled!!!!! Needless to say, so am I!!!! But I must admit that my stomach pain kind of over shadowed my ability to be excited by the news. Now that the pain has subsided and I can breath again I am becoming aware of the true significance of what it means to be cancer free!!! I truly do not know how long this remarkable situation will last, but at least the disease is starting at ground zero again!!

What is this even called, remission? I was told that Stage 4 Cancer can never be in remission. One of my doctors called my medical situation a cure! I hope above all, that it is just that, a cure. But having had Cancer three different times makes one weary to consider it a cure. But whatever it is called, I am thrilled!!! However, I will still always have that capital C over my head. I will have to get periodic Pet Scans all my life and I will have to go through the corresponding trepidation until I get the results from each of the tests. But like before, I am going to live, enjoy life, love, smile and laugh as often as I can!!!! I did not give up before and I will not now!!!

The pain I had just experienced for the last few months was enough to show me that once you feel good, run with it!!! Live your life!! Do not wait a moment to start living, because who knows when such pain will occur again. Don’t waste a day looking back, questioning your good fortune for feeling good, just live and enjoy your life. And if you do not feel good, but you can get out and do something you enjoy then do that, because it will make you feel better. I have always said and I live by it, if I am going to feel pain at home, I can feel the same pain doing something I enjoy. I have found that by going out, getting away, doing fun activities the pain diminishes.

I am going to Costa Rica next week to close on the land on which I will build a house. I am excited!!! I am also a bit nervous, but I need a project and this sure will be a major one. I have found peace and tranquility in Costa Rica. A place where I can breath. Find your place!! Find your enjoyment and don’t let your illness or a loss of a loved one stop you!! Life is short and we never know when our end is near, so don’t waste a day!!! Your loved ones want you to live and enjoy life!! And your illness, is just that, an illness, one of the many aspect of your life, so don’t fear it and make every day count!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!