LEWIS’ REMAINS

I finally received Lewis’ remains after waiting over 7 and 1/2 weeks. Truly unacceptable, but out of my control. And to add insult to injury after all the waiting for his ashes he arrived in a plastic container. My dog’s ashes were put into a mahogany box, but not my husbands. Really? I finally lit the 7 day candle that you are suppose to light after the funeral, but I would not do so until his remains were with me. I watched the candle burn for days and then sputter out. Symbolic of his life, I suppose. Getting his remains did not facilitate any closure for me. What it did do, is make me sadder. I now know for sure that he will not be returning and walking through the door. The arrival of his ashes dashed a very powerful coping mechanism that I had utilized; the belief that he would return.

So my old coping mechanism regarding my Cancer is now going to be my new mechanism for the loss of my husband as well; traveling. Tomorrow I leave for New York. I am traveling with my sister. My son lives in NYC and we will be visiting him. Then after NY my sister and I shall go to Philadelphia to see an old friend. It shall be two weeks of constant running around. Hopefully, it will enable me to find some time during which I will not be thinking of the great loss that I am experiencing. I do miss him so very much.

I know that Lewis would want me to be happy. I know that he would want me to continue to travel. He would want me to put my illness behind me and enjoy my life and traveling allowed me to do just that. He loved me as much as I loved him and he would want me to do that which will enable me to continue without him. Which at times, I really do not want to do. At times I feel guilty just to have an enjoyable moment.

But as I always say: Life is not merely surviving!!! That is true when you are grieving just as much as when you are ill. However, being ill was easier, I at least had someone to share it with. Now I am all alone. But I will not allow it to stop me from doing that which I enjoy. I will find some happiness in my life every day. I will attempt to smile, laugh and find gratification in my life. I do not know when I will be the next to go, so I will not waste the days that I do have. No one has a guarantee that you shall survive until tomorrow, so go out and live. Find what makes you happy and run with it. Live your life to the fullest!! If I can do it, so can you!!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!